Am I doing this Right?

I believe that we as women grew up with certain beliefs about what motherhood is like. When I was a child, despite what I saw around me, I believed that motherhood was a form of perfect lifestyle: the baby hardly ever cried, diaper changes weren’t messy, they were always well behaved and adorable. Taking care of a child and the home was simple; I imagined that my house would ALWAYS be spotless, as would my child. All of their toys would be in their playrooms in their proper places; we’d have a set schedule that we stuck to every day. Stress wasn’t a thing, life was just perfect. Of course, there was also a husband and father in the picture to complete my imaginary dream life. 

Excuse my language here but- 

Yeah. Fucking. Right!

Do I regret becoming a mother? Not at all; I know that if I hadn’t kept Arianna, I probably would’ve kept on the destructive path that I was previously on, that led to her existence in the first place. Becoming a mother was probably the biggest reality check that I’ve had so far in my life, aside from joining the military and truly being on my own for the first time. That imaginary life that I thought adequately described what motherhood was like? Didn’t exist. The few times that I had full-time care of my daughter were some of the most stressed times of my life. Between dealing with the random fits and tantrums, to trying to stick to some semblance of a schedule between work and home, and let’s not forget the massive diaper blowouts (seriously, I will never understand how a baby is able to make a mess that massive)! It was definitely not a walk in the park. I’m not going to lie, it wasn’t always crazy, and I didn’t always want to rip my hair out or just walk out of the door and never return. Arianna and I had some pretty memorable moments, and I’m grateful for camera phones, social media, and the iCloud; otherwise, I wouldn’t have half of the pictures that I do have. Oh, and guess what? There is no husband in this picture (at least not now anyway; I remain hopeful for the future). 

There were times that I thought I was a bad mom, because I didn’t always cook dinner every day, and there were days where we did nothing but watch TV. Baths didn’t happen every day, and sometimes she stayed up past her bedtime. During the school year, I’ll admit that I’d forgotten a few times when she had early dismissals, or when she didn’t have school that day and I’d feel bad when I picked her up from daycare and she told me that she didn’t have school, and therefore didn’t need to wear her school uniform that day. I’ve forgotten about Parent Teacher Conferences once or twice. More often than not, our house was a mess, mostly from her many arts and crafts adventures. If for whatever strange reason I was nominated for a Mother of the Year award, not only would I NOT win it, I’d probably think that whoever nominated me for it was crazy. 

But, I digress…( I apologize for that)

The point I’m getting at is that often we may feel like failures because our reality doesn’t mesh with what our sometimes outlandish expectations of our life (or certain aspects of it) may be. It seems that everywhere we look, be it in print in magazines, newspapers, or books; online; or even on TV, we are bombarded with all these new discoveries and articles about how we shouldn’t do this, or give our child that because it’s vaguely linked to this, that, or the other (honestly, at this point I’m surprised I haven’t heard anything about how keeping our children inside a bubble will be the best way to keep them safe from everything). We think that we’re doing our best as mothers, only to come across something else that makes us feel worse. Not feeding your child 100% organic, grass-fed, pesticide free, sugar free foods? You’re the worse mother on the planet. Never mind that you can’t afford that type of grocery, and you’re doing the best that you can with what you have. There are so many things out there that have us wondering “Am I doing this right? Am I still a good mother for doing things this way instead of that? Will my child somehow suffer because I’m not doing what the latest article or expert says to do?” 

I believe that all of this needs to stop. True, we’ll doubt ourselves every now and then, but it shouldn’t be a constant worry. We know what works best for OUR child(ren); and while it may be beneficial to maybe follow the advice of some of what we come across, we should not feel obligated to try every new thing under the sun, or even to feel bad for not doing so.

We’re moms. Our bodies created and carried another human being for at least 9 months. We’ve felt the kicks, punches, rolls, hiccups, the uncomfortable elbow straight to our bladder or other vital organ. We’ve seen their faces on ultrasounds, heard their heartbeats. We may do things differently from each other, but we’re doing things based on our own unique situations. So if you ever find yourself wondering “Am I doing this right?” 

Just know that the answer is and always should be, YES.  

"If I may but touch His garment..."

When I got baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in 2007, I knew that I had to change how I lived my life. And although there were mistakes made here and there, that didn’t stop me from trying to be the best Latter-day Saint that I could be. So when I found out that I was pregnant with Arianna, I’ll be honest. I was devastated. I wasn’t married, and I knew that I was in no way ready to be a mother. Plus, the guy that I was seeing at the time wasn’t LDS, so getting married in the temple wasn’t going to happen. After doing some reading online about the Church’s views on situations like this, and traveling to some pretty dark places in my mind, I knew that the right thing to do was to put her up for adoption; that way she could have two parents in her life and a loving home, both things that I felt that I couldn’t give her. I was adamant about this decision all the way up to a few weeks before she was born.

Being LDS, pregnant, AND living in Utah was…different. I felt out of place, that’s for sure; attending a single’s ward was awkward because I was pregnant, but going to a family ward was even worse because I wasn’t married. And while it may have just been my overactive imagination, it seemed like everyone was judging me because of my situation. I felt 100% unworthy of any kind of blessing. I saw my being pregnant as some form of punishment for sleeping around. I felt SO dirty, and unloved; I knew that I’d never find someone with the same beliefs as myself and would be okay with me already having a child. I saw every invitation to church activities or outings with ward members as some kind of pity invitation, because I was alone. 

Every now and then, whenever I felt like I needed an escape, I’d drive down to Salt Lake City and visit the temple grounds. I’d walk around and admire this castle that I wanted to go into so badly (it’s my favorite temple as far as architecture goes); I’d wander through the visitor’s center and try not to drown in depression because I was surrounded by happy families, and all it did was serve as a reminder that I was alone. The temple really is a beautiful, peaceful place. Just walking around the building left you feeling different, but in a good way. I’d admire the temple from what I deemed a safe distance, and try to be content with that even though I wanted to be right up to it; I wanted to touch its walls, the doors and the doorknobs. I wanted to admire the stonework and the windows. I wanted more of…something. But something in my mind told me that I couldn’t; that I wasn’t worthy enough to touch this holy building because of my sins. I honestly felt that I’d tarnish that building somehow, all because I touched it. I truly felt unworthy and undeserving of whatever that good feeling was that I knew was coming from being in close proximity to the temple of the Lord. 

I remember one time I went, and a pair of Sister missionaries approached me (I didn’t know that missionaries could serve their missions at the temple until I’d moved to Utah). On this particular day, I felt especially undeserving of being anywhere inside the fence surrounding the temple, so I just stayed outside by the tabernacle and stared up at it from there when the missionaries approached me. We chatted for a bit, and then they asked me if I’d ever been inside the temple or something like that, I can’t remember the exact question. But I do remember telling them that I felt I wasn’t worthy to enter or touch it. I can’t remember their response exactly, but I remember that they expressed hope for me to one day not feel that way anymore. I wish I remembered what their names were… I haven’t been to visit the temple in a few years. Part of me wants to take Arianna to see it, but I wouldn’t know where to begin to explain to her what temples are, and how special they are to us. Part of me still doesn’t feel worthy enough to explain something so sacred to her. 

Tonight, as I was washing my face mask off, I caught a glimpse of a hand- my hand- reaching out and touching the temple wall, and the door, and the doorknob. The building wasn’t tarnished, it didn’t burn to the ground…nothing bad happened. The only thing I felt as I saw this in my mind was that peace that I knew was coming from the temple. I felt happy, like finally, after all this time, I could touch the one thing I’ve felt too ashamed to approach. I felt full, I felt tears of joy, I felt…at home. Seeing this reminded me of the woman in the 9th chapter of Matthew; she had been sick for a very long time, and had come to see Jesus Christ while He was out with His disciples, about to see Jairus and his recently deceased daughter. This woman reached out and touched Jesus, with the thought, “If I may but touch his garment, I shall be whole (Matthew 9:21).” This was the verse that came to me as soon as I saw that vision of myself finally touching the temple walls. I know that my sickness is not the same as the woman from the Bible, but that doesn’t diminish the feeling of knowing that if I could touch the wall of the Salt Lake City temple, I’d be made whole somehow. I wouldn’t feel so dirty and undeserving of any kind of happiness. I wouldn’t feel like I had failed my Heavenly Father by not obeying his commandments. I’m sure it sounds stupid and silly to some people, but I wouldn’t feel unworthy of Christ’s love or blessings. 

I don’t know when I’ll get the opportunity to go visit the temple; I don’t know when I’ll feel ready enough to touch it. But I do know what when that time comes, I shall be whole. 

Why do We Worry??

Have you ever, while reading your Bible, read a verse or chapter that just spoke to your heart and you couldn’t help but feel convicted by the Spirit? This has happened to me on a few occasions, but a verse from one of the devotionals I read just spoke to me and I instantly felt convicted. It was as if God was standing in front of me as the stern parent who was scolding His child for doing something they knew they shouldn’t have been doing (and they knew it, too)! The verse came from the March 4th devotional in the book Jesus Calling: 

“Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?” 

- Luke 12:25-26 (NIV)

Let me tell you… As soon as I read that verse, my heart jumped like it had been shocked. I know that I worry about quite a bit: money, my job, taking care of my daughter, my business, what I’m going to make for dinner, why I’m still single, getting to bed at a decent time… I mean, who doesn’t worry about something, right? Thinking about it though, what does worrying do? Will my worrying about not having enough money to put gas in the car magically put gas in the car? Will my worrying about whether or not I’m being a good mother all of a sudden make me this Super Mom with incredible mothering powers? I wish it did; unfortunately, that is not the case. However, what worrying about all these things DOES do is STRESS ME OUT!! Seriously, I get so worked up and anxious over something that I can’t think straight for all of the thoughts flying about in my head. Which then leads to me being physically jittery, and easily irritable. And we all know the saying, “When momma ain’t happy, NO ONE is happy!” 

Now, I get that we’re all human, and worrying seems to be something that’s hardwired into our systems. We can’t help it; at some point in our daily lives, we’ll worry about something. But if we look at the first sentence in the verse quoted above, we’re basically being asked, “ Okay, how many of you can prolong your life simply by being a worrywart?” If you can, please leave a comment so the rest of us can learn how you do it! In all seriousness though, NONE of us can. I’m sure if we could, we’d all be immortal . And since worrying doesn’t make us immortal, why do we worry about everything else? What good does that do us? Absolutely no good at all. How can we keep from worrying (or at least worrying as much as we are throughout the day)? I can think of 3 simple steps: Ask, Trust, Work.

1) ASK: When I feel myself starting to worry about something, I’ve been making more of an effort to pray and ASK GOD to bring peace to my soul. I tell Him what I’m worried about and ASK Him to take that worry and do with it what He feels needs to be done. I thank Him for removing this worry from me, easing my heart, and giving me peace of mind. 

2) TRUST: “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.”- Proverbs 3: 5-6 (KJV). This is my favorite verse, and I feel that it fits well with my step 2. First, we asked God to take this worry (or these worries) away from us. While you were praying for this deliverance, did you trust that He would do just that? Or did you just go through the motions and actions of praying, while still letting that worry take control of your thoughts? How can you believe that God will answer your prayers if you don’t TRUST him? It says it right there- “TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL THINE HEART.” Not just a tiny part of your heart, not even half of your heart. He wants you to trust Him with ALL of your heart. 

3) WORK:  I’m sure we’re all familiar with the verse, “faith without works is dead.” I believe that to be completely true. After we’ve ASKED God to remove the worry from our hearts and TRUSTED the He would answer our prayer, all that’s left to do now is WORK. How do we do that? If I prayed and asked God to take away my worries about not having enough money to last until next paycheck, I WORK on a budget to carefully manage what money I do have, and stick to it. If I ask God to take away my worry about being a good parent, I WORK on being a good mom by spending time with my daughter while still being the disciplinarian that I need to be. I don’t worry about what others may think of my parenting skills, but I WORK on being the best mom that I can be, with the help of God. We can’t do the first two steps and not show God that we’re willing to do our part as well! 

I challenge my readers to ASK, TRUST, and WORK when they feel those worries sneaking up on them. Worrying won’t add years to your life; but that added stress just might take a few away, and nobody wants to shorten their lifespans (not on purpose, anyway)! 

If this post helped you in any way, please let me know by leaving a comment down below! :)